Hotline jokes
Actual dialog of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee:
Tech.: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Tech.: "What sort of trouble?"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Tech.: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Tech.: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Tech.: "Nothing?"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Tech.: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Tech.: "Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Tech.: "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Tech.: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Tech.: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
Caller: "I don't know."
Tech.: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Tech.: "Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Tech.: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables  plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
Caller: "No."
Tech.: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Tech.: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Tech.: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
Caller: "No."
Tech.: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."
Tech.: "Dark?"
Caller: "Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
Tech.: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Tech.: "No? Why not?"
Caller: "Because there's a power outage."
Tech.: "A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Tech.: "Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Tech.: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
Tech.: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
graphic
The following excerpts came from an article by Jim Carlton in The Wall Street Journal:
Compaq Computers may change the command which reads "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
AST technical support had a caller complain that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. Turned out, the "dust cover" was the plastic bag the mouse came in.
A man called a Compaq technician complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old 5" diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer had labeled the diskettes and then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.
Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later, a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.
A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on and was heard putting the phone down and crossing the room to close the door to his office.
Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "Send" key.
Yet another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."
A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and invalid." The tech explained he shouldn't take the responses personally.
An exasperated caller to Dell couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. The tech asked if she had plugged it in. She had. The tech asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response was, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
This story comes from Novell:
Caller: Hello, is this Tech Support?
Tech.: Yes, it is. How may I help you?
Caller: The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?
Tech.: I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?
Caller: Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer.
Tech.: Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped; it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?
Caller: It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotional. I just has "4X" on it.
At this point, the tech had to mute the caller because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and had snapped it off the drive!
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Selbst gesehen und tatsächlich wahr ! (Olli)
1) Der Anwender sitzt vor der Tastatur, ich stehe neben ihm. Ich bitte ihn, eine Null einzugeben. Der Anwender tippt sorgfältig... den Großbuchstaben "O".
2) Ein früherer Kollege von mir gab telefonischen Support. Irgendwann sagte er zum Kunden: "Und jetzt bitte eine Null eingeben". Rückfrage: "Eine große oder eine kleine Null?"
3) Ein Kunde eines meiner früheren Unternehmen rief bei unserer Hotline (für unser damaliges proprietäres Computersystem) an und sagt, das System meldete ihm plötzlich einen "Ännoh-Error". Der Support suchte zwei Stunden die Betriebssystemmeldungen ab, bis irgendjemand die Meldung einmal ausschrieb: "No error"...
4) Bei einem anderen Kunden ging das Wechselplattenlaufwerk für die Datensicherung kaputt. Dabei crashte die 1. von drei Sicherungsdisks. Der Kunde konnte es nicht glauben und steckte auch noch die 2. Sicherungsdisk ein. Crash. Dann rief er bei uns an und wir schickten einen gerade in der Nähe befindlichen Vertriebler hin. Der nahm die dritte und letzte Sicherungsdisk und steckte sie ins Laufwerk...
5) Eine Entwickler-Kollegin hatte immer Probleme mit dem Unterschied zwischen ihren Vorstellungen und der realen Welt. Besondere Probleme hatte sie dabei mit dem Editor vi, insbesondere mit der abweichenden Bedeutung von Kommandos in Groß- und Kleinbuchstaben:
Sie: "Die Maschine macht heute wieder lauter komische Sachen, ich kapiere das gar nicht."
Ich: "Hast Du wieder CapsLock erwischt?"
Sie: "Nein, ich bin doch nicht blöd."
Ich: Aufstehen, rübergehen, auf den Bildschirm sehen, in der Statuszeile prangt ganz groß CAPSLOCK, mit dem Finger darauf zeigen.
Sie: "Also ich habe die Taste ganz bestimmt nicht gedrückt, ich sage doch, die Maschine spinnt heute wieder..."
Sie hatte übrigens die einzige Tastatur, von der ich je gesehen habe, daß die Buchstaben wegen Marmalade- und Kaffeflecken und Brötchenbrösel nicht mehr lesbar und die Enter-Tasten mit Klebstoff nur noch provisorisch befestigt waren. Wobei es ein Wunder war, daß sie überhaupt noch funktionierte, wurde sie doch auch einmal mit einem vollen Becher Kaffee mit Milch und Zucker geflutet und nie gereinigt.