No. 1
A man and a woman met at a bar. They started getting along really well and they decide to go to her place for a drink. A few drinks later, the guy took off his shirt and washed his hands. He then took off his socks and washed his hands. The woman looked at him and said, "You must be a dentist." Flabbergasted, the guy responded, "Why yes! That's amazing; how did you determine that?" The woman replied, "Easy. You keep washing your hands."
Well, one thing led to another, and they migrated to the bed. Things became more and more passionate, and they made love. After their passionate deed was done, the woman remarked, "You must be a GREAT dentist!" The doctor was very surprised, and said "Yes! Yes! I sure am a great dentist. Wow!  You amaze me! And how did you know THAT, my dear?' His lover retorted, "That's easy.  I didn't feel a thing."
No. 2
This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying: "NERDS NOT ALLOWED-ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.
The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license, he said. So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway.
Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load.  So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.
A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
The truck driver said, "What's wrong?? I thought nerds were in season."
"Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."
No. 3
Plane crashes on a desert island. 15 survivors. 3 Italians, two men and a woman, 3 French people, 2 men and a woman, 3 Germans (you get the picture), 3 Greeks and 3 Brits.
Six months later....
One Italian man had killed the other and was living with the woman.
The French had a delightful menage a trois.
The Germans had a strict rotation. Hans on odd days, Franz on even.
The Greek men were living together and had the woman doing the house work.
And the Brits... were waiting to be introduced to each other.
No. 4
A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA (Federal Housing Administration) loan for a client. He was told that the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral.
The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down.
After sending the information to FHA, he received the following reply:
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title.  While we compliment the able manner in which you prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared the Title to the proposed collateral property back to the year 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."
Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows: "Your letter regarding Titles in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have Titles extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property arena, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U.S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.
For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the then reigning monarch, Isabella. The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus' expedition.
Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world.  Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana. I hope to hell you are satisfied.
Now, may we have our damn loan?
No. 5
Ten year old Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen. She says, "Put that away, Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time.  Go outside and play." Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with." Trying to placate him, she says, "OK.  I'll play with you.  What do you want to play?" He says, "I wanna play Mommie and Daddy."  Trying not to register surprise and a bit confused about what her 10 year old son was learning in school, she decided to appease him, by saying, "Fine, I'll play.  What do I do?" Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down." Figuring that she can easily control the situation, Mom goes upstairs. Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway. Really confused, and now even a bit worried, his mother raises her head and says, "What do I do now?" In a gruff manner, Johnny says, "Get your butt downstairs and get that kid some  ice cream!"
No. 6
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "yes you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field." "You must work in Information Technology" says the balloonist. "I do" replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone." The man below says "you must be in management." "I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
No. 7
Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond.  The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me.  One kiss from you and I'll turn back into a prince."
"Then we can marry, move into a castle with my mom where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so ..."
That night, as the princess dined on frog legs, she repeatedly chortled, "I don't think so!"
No. 8
F: Wieviel sind Männer in DM ausgedrückt wert?
A: 5,95 DM. Zwei Überraschungseier und ein Kümmerling!
F: Wieso haben Männer ein Gen mehr als ein Schwein?
A: Damit sich das "Schwänzle" nicht kringelt!
F: Was haben Männer und Wolken gemeinsam?
A: Wenn sie sich verziehen, kann's noch ein schöner Tag werden!
No. 9
Ein Mann moechte sich einen Papageien zulegen und besucht daher ein Zoofachgeschaeft mit reichhaltiger Auswahl.
Kunde: "Haben Sie Papageien die bereits sprechen koennen!?"
Verkaeufer: "Klar - der gruene hier vorne - der kann perfekt Deutsch. Kostet allerdings auch 1500.- DM!"
Kunde: "Mh... und was ist mit dem da?"
Verkaeufer: "Der Rote kann deutsch und englisch - beides in die jeweils andere Sprache übersetzen und kostet 1900.- DM"
Kunde: "Wow... das ist gut...und der?"
Verkaeufer: "Der kann zusaetzlich noch Latein und kostet daher 2300.- DM."
Kunde: "..das wird ja immer besser - und der da was kostet der?"
Verkaeufer: "Der kostet 4000.- DM..."
Kunde: "Ja und was kann der?"
Verkaeufer: "...keine Ahnung...nichts?"
Kunde: "...und warum kostet der soviel?"
Verkaeufer: "Die anderen sagen CHEF zu ihm!"
No. 10
A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knocking' mate, there's no paper in this one either."
No. 11
A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks "How long before I  can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in  the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About 2  hours." The guy leaves. A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How  long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop, and says, "Hey Bill,  follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house."
No. 12
Seit hundert Jahren stehen sich eine weibliche und eine maennliche Statue im Park gegenüber. Eines Tages kommt ein Engel und verkuendet ihnen, dass sie fuer eine Viertelstunde zum Leben erweckt werden und tun koennten, was ihnen am meisten Spass macht. Gluecklich springen die beiden von ihren Sockeln und verschwinden im Gebuesch, aus dem auch gleich froehliches Kichern zu hoeren ist. Nach einer Viertelstunde kehren sie zurueck und steigen brav auf ihre Sockel. Da erscheint der Engel noch einmal und sagt: "Da ihr soviel Freude miteinander hattet, schenke ich euch noch eine Viertelstunde." "Wunderbar", sagt daraufhin die weibliche zur maennlichen Statue, "aber diesmal halte ich die Taube fest, und du scheisst ihr auf den Kopf."
Man to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God to Man: "So you would love her."
"But God," Man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God replies: "So she would love you."

God created man before creating woman, because you need a rough Draft before creating a masterpiece.

Diamonds are a girl's best friends.
Dogs are man's best friend.
So which is the dumber sex?

Single women complain that all good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands. This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man.

Ever notice how many of women's problems can be traced to the male gender?
    MENtal breakdown

Q: What's the difference between government bonds and men?
A: Bonds mature.
Q: What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
A: E.T. phoned home.
Q: How are men like noodles?
A: They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
Q: Why do men like BMWs?
A: They can spell it.
Q: What do an anniversary and a toilet have in common?
A: Men always miss them.
Q: Why are men like popcorn?
A: They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Q: Why are men and spray paint alike?
A: One squeeze and they're all over you.
Q: Why are men like blenders?
A: You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Q: Why is food better than men?
A: Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds.
Q: Why do men like frozen microwave dinners so much?
A: They like being able to both eat and make love in under 5 minutes.
Q: Why would women be better off if men treated them like cars?
A: At least then they would get a little attention every 6 months or 10,000
miles, whichever came first.
Q: What is the difference between men and pigs?
A: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.