Bill of Rights
We, the sensible people of the United States, in
an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of
justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote
positive behavior and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to
ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try one
more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for
the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden, delusional and other liberal
bedwetters. We hold these truths to be self-evident: that a whole
lot of people were confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim
that they require a Bill of No Rights.
ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a
new car, big screen TV or any other form of wealth. More power to
you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing
ARTICLE II: You do not have the right
to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that
means freedom for everyone - not just you! You may leave the room,
turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world
is full of idiots, and probably always will be.
ARTICLE III: You do not have the
right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye,
learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to
make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.
ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right
to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people
to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are
quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of
professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the
creation of another generation of professional couch
ARTICLE V: You do not have the right
to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of
public housing, we're just not interested in health care.
ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right
to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally
maim or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to
see you fry in the electric chair.
ARTICLE VII: You do not have the
right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat or coerce
away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if
the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you
still won't have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life of
ARTICLE VIII: You don't have the
right to demand that our children risk their lives in foreign wars
to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments
and won't lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you'd
like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do
not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every
little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat.
ARTICLE IX: You don't have the right to a
job. All of us sure want all of you to have one, and will gladly
help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage
of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid
before you to make yourself useful.
ARTICLE X: You do not have the right
to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to
pursue happiness - which by the way, is a lot easier if you are
unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those
of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.