Better world
graphic
In order to make the world a better place for everyone to live in, the following rules will come into force with immediate effect across the whole planet.
1. It is now no longer permitted to be stupid and slow. You must choose one or the other.
2. In queues, it is a requirement that you will familiarise yourself with the currency of your nation before attempting a transaction. It is not permitted to engage the sales assistant in conversation regarding the weather, the health or personal relationships of mutual acquaintances, or other matters not relevant to the purchase. When purchasing fast food or beverages, anyone who has to leave the queue to ask his or her partner whether they want mushy peas, or extra mustard and pickles, or anything like  that, will be escorted from the premises. Anyone who reaches the front of the queue and says 'Now let's see, what shall I have?' and purses his lips thoughtfully, or drums his fingers on his chin while studying the menu above the counter, will be taken out and shot.
3. If, in the course of parking your car, you are not able to manoeuvre the vehicle into a space in less time than it takes to undergo and recover from open-heart surgery, you are not permitted to park in that space.
4. All electrical appliances, but especially kettles, henceforth will come with a clearly understandable on-off switch, deployed in such a way that all users can tell at a glance whether the kettle is on or not. Until such time, manufacturers must provide with each purchase an employee who will stand in the purchaser's kitchen and call out, at appropriate intervals, 'The kettle is definitely on. I can see little bubbles rising' and 'It's getting warm and starting to make boiling noises. Won't be long now!' and 'It's boiled. Do you want a chocolate digestive with your tea!'
5. People who wear articles of clothing on which the manufacturer's name or logo is prominently displayed must also wear a badge saying: 'I am a moron.' (Also, will the few people still wearing shell suits please note that these have never been permitted.)
6. All instruction booklets that say 'Attach lock washers Dl and D2 to hub seal JX by means of spindle bracket H-4', or anything remotely similar, are now illegal.
7. Any symbol on any dial on any appliance that involves wavy lines, a triangle or any other depiction that means absolutely nothing to anyone is no longer permitted.
8. Any electric clock or other timing device on which the time is set by holding down a button and scrolling forward through the minutes and hours is illegal. Also, when you are trying to set the alarm on such a clock for, say, 7am and the numbers get to about 6.56 and then suddenly speed up, and you discover to your dismay that you have unwittingly set the alarm for 2.13pm and have to start all over again, that is very illegal.
9. Revolving doors must go in both directions. Giant revolving doors that take many people at a time are illegal, unless the occupants are known to each other and have agreed beforehand to move at the same speed.
10. In shops and other business premises in which entry is through two doors, and one of those doors is locked for no reason, the door must bear a large sign saying: 'This Door is Locked for No Reason'.
11. If you are waiting for a lift that is slow to come, and you are the sort of person who presses the button repeatedly in the sincere belief that this will make a difference, you are no longer permitted to use lifts.
12. Americans who wish to visit Australia must first clear their wardrobes with the Australian Embassy. British men must secure written permission to wear shorts on holiday.
13. That shrill, piercing noise you get when you accidentally dial someone's fax number is, with immediate effect, extremely illegal. Also, and obviously, it is illegal to play music, commercials or promises that an agent will be available shortly to anyone who is put on hold on a telephone.
14. Supermarkets are required with immediate effect to put everything where a middle-aged man who doesn't shop much can find it.
15. Photocopiers will stop being confusing, and will provide an immediate refund and apology each time they produce a landscape photocopy when a portrait one is desired, and vice versa.
16. It is no longer permissible to give meaningless names like 'moonglow' and 'fiesta' to paint shades.
17. Women larger than size 14 are no longer permitted to wear lycra or leggings.
18. TV producers will realise that we do not need any more programmes featuring:
(a) doctors and nurses
(b) detectives
(c) Anyone named Daddo
19. All cars will come equipped with petrol caps on both sides and at the rear, and all petrol station hoses will be at least six feet longer.
20. Until further notice, the World Cup will be won by an English-speaking nation
21. Liver will no longer be regarded as food.
22. Americans will, with immediate effect, appreciate irony. Britons will understand that two ice cubes in a drink is not nearly enough.