In order to make the world a better place for
everyone to live in, the following rules will come into force with
immediate effect across the whole planet.
1. It is now no longer permitted to be stupid and
slow. You must choose one or the other.
2. In queues, it is a requirement that you will
familiarise yourself with the currency of your nation before
attempting a transaction. It is not permitted to engage the sales
assistant in conversation regarding the weather, the health or
personal relationships of mutual acquaintances, or other matters
not relevant to the purchase. When purchasing fast food or
beverages, anyone who has to leave the queue to ask his or her
partner whether they want mushy peas, or extra mustard and pickles,
or anything like that, will be escorted from the premises.
Anyone who reaches the front of the queue and says 'Now let's see,
what shall I have?' and purses his lips thoughtfully, or drums his
fingers on his chin while studying the menu above the counter, will
be taken out and shot.
3. If, in the course of parking your car, you are
not able to manoeuvre the vehicle into a space in less time than it
takes to undergo and recover from open-heart surgery, you are not
permitted to park in that space.
4. All electrical appliances, but especially
kettles, henceforth will come with a clearly understandable on-off
switch, deployed in such a way that all users can tell at a glance
whether the kettle is on or not. Until such time, manufacturers
must provide with each purchase an employee who will stand in the
purchaser's kitchen and call out, at appropriate intervals, 'The
kettle is definitely on. I can see little bubbles rising' and 'It's
getting warm and starting to make boiling noises. Won't be long
now!' and 'It's boiled. Do you want a chocolate digestive with your
5. People who wear articles of clothing on which
the manufacturer's name or logo is prominently displayed must also
wear a badge saying: 'I am a moron.' (Also, will the few people
still wearing shell suits please note that these have never been
6. All instruction booklets that say 'Attach lock
washers Dl and D2 to hub seal JX by means of spindle bracket H-4',
or anything remotely similar, are now illegal.
7. Any symbol on any dial on any appliance that
involves wavy lines, a triangle or any other depiction that means
absolutely nothing to anyone is no longer permitted.
8. Any electric clock or other timing device on
which the time is set by holding down a button and scrolling
forward through the minutes and hours is illegal. Also, when you
are trying to set the alarm on such a clock for, say, 7am and the
numbers get to about 6.56 and then suddenly speed up, and you
discover to your dismay that you have unwittingly set the alarm for
2.13pm and have to start all over again, that is very
9. Revolving doors must go in both directions.
Giant revolving doors that take many people at a time are illegal,
unless the occupants are known to each other and have agreed
beforehand to move at the same speed.
10. In shops and other business premises in which
entry is through two doors, and one of those doors is locked for no
reason, the door must bear a large sign saying: 'This Door is
Locked for No Reason'.
11. If you are waiting for a lift that is slow to
come, and you are the sort of person who presses the button
repeatedly in the sincere belief that this will make a difference,
you are no longer permitted to use lifts.
12. Americans who wish to visit Australia must
first clear their wardrobes with the Australian Embassy. British
men must secure written permission to wear shorts on holiday.
13. That shrill, piercing noise you get when you
accidentally dial someone's fax number is, with immediate effect,
extremely illegal. Also, and obviously, it is illegal to play
music, commercials or promises that an agent will be available
shortly to anyone who is put on hold on a telephone.
14. Supermarkets are required with immediate
effect to put everything where a middle-aged man who doesn't shop
much can find it.
15. Photocopiers will stop being confusing, and
will provide an immediate refund and apology each time they produce
a landscape photocopy when a portrait one is desired, and vice
16. It is no longer permissible to give
meaningless names like 'moonglow' and 'fiesta' to paint
17. Women larger than size 14 are no longer
permitted to wear lycra or leggings.
18. TV producers will realise that we do not need
any more programmes featuring:
(a) doctors and nurses
(c) Anyone named Daddo
19. All cars will come equipped with petrol caps
on both sides and at the rear, and all petrol station hoses will be
at least six feet longer.
20. Until further notice, the World Cup will be
won by an English-speaking nation
21. Liver will no longer be regarded as
22. Americans will, with immediate effect,
appreciate irony. Britons will understand that two ice cubes in a
drink is not nearly enough.