Barbie's Letter To Santa:
Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping
you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas Present,
wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in
fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to
ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAY BACK TIME! There had better be
some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a
nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around smell
So, here's my holiday wish list for 2003
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy
oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker.How much
smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any
idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro up your
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off.
Preferably white.What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and
MOLD imitation underwear my skin?!? It looks like
3. A REAL man... maybe GI JOE. Hell, I'd
take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boytoy
Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have
to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically
4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the
aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care
whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.
6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the
7. A new career. Pet doctor and
schoolteacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or
better yet, a public relations senior account exec!
8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe "PMS
Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip
cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie",
with my very own paint gun, fitted with a fake fur coat, bottle of
spray on blood and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie," sporting a
Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The
grease is wrecking my vinyl.
10. Mattel stock options. It's been
37 years-I think I deserve it.
Okay Santa, that's it. Considering my
valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are
out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a
new bitch for next Christmas. It's that simple.