A young man who was also an avid golfer found
himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he
hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had
to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman
shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man
as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the
old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly
quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently
and didn't waste much time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the
young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine
tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and
the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot
the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit
the ball right over that tree." With that challenge placed before
him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into
the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a
foot from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more
comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3
Sitting on the side of the highway with his radar
gun waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees
a car puttering along at 22 MPH. Since the minimum speed on an
Interstate Highway is 45, he turns on his lights and pulls the
Approaching the car, he notices that there are
five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back --
wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says
to him "Officer, I don't understand. I was doing exactly the speed
limit. What seems to be the problem?".
"Ma'am" the officer replies, "You weren't
speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed
limit can also be a danger to other drivers.".
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing
the speed limit exactly.....Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old
woman says a bit proudly, pointing to a sign just ahead.
The Police Officer, trying to contain a chuckle
explains to her that the "22" was the route number, not the speed
limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer
for pointing out her error to her.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to
ask.....is everyone in this car. OK? These women seem awfully
shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time" the
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer.
We just got off Route 119.".
Four Old Catholic women were having coffee. The
first woman tells her friends ......
'My son is a priest. When he walks into a room,
everyone calls him 'Father'.'
The second woman chirps, 'My son is a Bishop.
Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'
The third old woman says 'My son is a Cardinal.
Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'.
Since the fourth woman sips her coffee in
silence, the first three give her this subtle 'Well...?' look, so
she says 'My son is 6'2'; he has broad, square shoulders; he's
terribly handsome and dresses very well. Whenever he walks into a
room, women say 'Oh, my God...'
A new teacher was trying to make use of her
She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who
thinks they are stupid, stand up!'
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood
The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid,
'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there
all by yourself!'
A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy
road, paid a passing farmer five dollars to pull him out with his
tractor. After he was back on dry ground he said to the farmer, 'At
those prices, I should think you would be pulling people out of the
mud night and day.'
'Can't replied the farmer. 'At night I haul water
for the hole.'
A Brooklyn lawyer named Ernie successfully
defends a major crime lord from charges of dealing drugs,
racketeering, murder, kidnapping, and selling arms.
As he is leaving the courtroom, an indignant old
woman grabs him by the arm.
'Young man, where are your scruples? Isn't there
anyone too low for you to defend?'
'I don't know, ' Ernie says, 'What have you
An old lady is rocking away the last years of her
life on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when all of a
sudden - a Leprechaun appears in front of her and informs her that
she will be granted three wishes.
'Well, now,' says the old lady, 'I guess I would
like to be really rich.'
*** POOF *** her rocking chair turns to solid
'And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young,
*** POOF*** she turns into a beautiful young
'Your third wish?' asked the Leprechaun. Just
then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of
'Ooh - can you change him into a handsome
prince?' she asks.
*** POOF *** there before her stands a young man
more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.
She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that
makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in
her ear: 'Bet your sorry you had me neutered.
Did you hear about Little Johnny? He is four
He was bugging Mother so she said, 'Johnny, why
don't you go across the street and watch the builders work. Maybe
you'll learn something.' Little Johnny was gone about 2 hours. When
he came home his Mother asked him what he learned.
Johnny replied, 'Well, first you put the God damn
door up, then the son of a bitch doesn't fit, so you have to take
the shit head back down. Then you have to take a hair off each side
and put the Mother f*cker back up.'
Johnny's Mother said, 'you wait till your Dad
When Little Johnny's dad got home, mom told him
to ask Johnny what he learned across the street. Johnny told his
dad the whole story. Dad said, 'Johnny, you go outside and get the
Little Johnny replied, 'F*ck you, that's the